How to calm nerves before a big day

Why do nerves before a big day feel so physical?

Because your body is getting ready for something it thinks matters. MedlinePlus, from the US National Library of Medicine, says anxiety “can be a normal reaction to stress”, and that it might make you “sweat, feel restless and tense, and have a rapid heartbeat”.

That can be unsettling when you’re sitting in a waiting room or standing at the gate. It helps to know the feeling has a name and a reason. It isn’t a prediction of how the day will go. It’s your body turning the volume up. For what’s behind the racing heart, the sweaty palms and the knot in your stomach, see what nerves do to your body.

So the aim isn’t to feel nothing. It’s to feel steady enough to do the next small thing.

What can I do right now to calm my nerves?

Start with your breath. It’s free, silent and you can do it anywhere, from the bus to the restroom before you go in.

Here’s a simple version, based on the belly breathing steps from Cleveland Clinic, with an optional count added:

1. Rest one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your ribs.
2. Breathe in slowly through your nose, so your stomach moves out against your hand.
3. If counting helps, count steadily from 1 to 5 as you breathe in.
4. Breathe out gently through pursed lips, counting from 1 to 5 again.
5. Keep going for 5 to 10 minutes.

Counting to 5 each way works out at about six breaths a minute. A 2018 review of studies in healthy adults found that slow breathing, under 10 breaths a minute, was linked with more comfort and relaxation. The NHS in England’s breathing guide uses the same 1 to 5 count.

You don’t need to get it perfect. If you lose count, start again at 1. Five minutes can feel long the first time, so try it once tonight while nothing is at stake. Then it already feels familiar when you need it.

The CDC also suggests moving more and talking things through. “Every little bit of physical activity helps,” it says, and it suggests you “talk with people you trust about your concerns and how you are feeling.” A brisk walk the afternoon before and a chat with a friend you trust are both worth a try.

Does it help to call it excitement instead?

It might. Nerves and excitement are both high-energy feelings: a fast heart, wide awake, a bit jittery. That overlap is why this idea can help.

In a set of studies published in 2014, a researcher at Harvard Business School asked people to sing karaoke, give a speech or do math tests. Those who told themselves to get excited (for example, by saying “I am excited” out loud) felt more excited and did better than those who tried to calm down. It was a simple sentence, nothing more.

This won’t suit every moment. Before a dental checkup, “I’m excited” may sound silly. But before a talk, a game or an interview, it can turn the same racing heart into something that feels more like readiness. If you’re getting ready to speak in front of people, our guide on how to calm nerves before a presentation goes further.

How do I stop worrying about what might go wrong?

Give each worry a plan. Psychologists call these if-then plans: “If this happens, then I’ll do that.” A review of 94 tests by the psychologists Gollwitzer and Sheeran found that planning in this if-then form helped people reach their goals more than simply intending to.

Try it with whatever is on your mind:

1. Write down the one thing you’re most worried about. “My mind goes blank.”
2. Picture the moment it might happen. “In the middle of my answer.”
3. Choose one small action. “Then I’ll take a breath and look at my first note.”
4. Say the full sentence to yourself once or twice. “If my mind goes blank, then I’ll take a breath and look at my first note.”

Here are a few more examples:

If this happens	Then I’ll
My hands start shaking at the gate	Breathe out slowly and count to 5
I’m stuck in traffic on the way	Call ahead, then do one slow breath
My mind goes blank mid answer	Pause, sip water, look at my first note
I wake at 3 a.m. thinking about it	Write the worry down and go back to bed

One plan is enough to start. The point isn’t to cover every possibility. It’s to know that you already have a next step. If the drive itself is what you dread, our guide to overcoming driving anxiety has a plan for that too, one short drive at a time.

What helps the night before?

The night before is when worry tends to be loudest, because there’s nothing left to do but wait. The CDC’s sleep habits are simple and fit well here:

• Keep to your usual times. The CDC suggests “going to bed and getting up at the same time every day”, so try not to go to bed hours early just to get it over with.
• Write tomorrow’s list. In a 2018 sleep lab study, young adults who spent 5 minutes writing a to-do list at bedtime fell asleep faster than those who wrote about tasks they’d already finished. Lay your bag, ticket or ID out next to it.
• Put screens away. The CDC suggests turning off electronic devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
• Go easy on caffeine. It also suggests avoiding caffeine in the afternoon or evening.

If sleep doesn’t come easily, that’s OK. Your list is written and your bag is packed. For a step by step evening and morning plan, see our post on driving test nerves the night before and the morning of. Most of it works for any big day.

How can ikuyo help with nerves before a big day?

Everything above works on paper. Some people like a bit of company with it, and that’s what ikuyo is for.

You tell Scout, ikuyo’s small explorer robot, what’s coming up and what you’re worried about. Scout turns the days before into a map of short quests built around your own worries, and keeps you company on the day itself. It’s free to start. If your big day is a flight, start with our fear of flying mission.

ikuyo is a companion for the days before something big. It isn’t therapy or treatment.

When are nerves more than just nerves?

Nerves before something new are common. But if fear stops you from doing things you want or need to do, like booking a flight at all, it’s worth talking to your doctor or a licensed therapist. Asking for that kind of help is a normal, sensible step.

If you ever feel unsafe or overwhelmed, you don’t have to wait until after your big day. Our help now page lists people you can talk to right away.